what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
