I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
