the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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