I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
