my soul wont recognize me after tonight
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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