I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
