for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
