So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
