I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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