He asked me if I "almost moaned"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
