Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Randomize
