I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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