so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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