you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
