; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Less talking, more tequila
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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