apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
