The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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