Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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