and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
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