I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
