The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
