i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
why do cheetos always look like penises
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
