I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
