it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
