hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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