I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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