My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
