I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
