i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
