I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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