Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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