my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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