just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
