She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
