she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
