Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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