"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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