Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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