Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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