I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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