Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
