I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My ass is underappreciated
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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