Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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