I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
