I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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