My nipple is on Facebook.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So gin and wine won't be happening again
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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