This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
