just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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