That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You ate ashes out of my bong
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
