when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
