Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
