Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Duck Duck Cougar?
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
